I cried

I cried in the shower today.

I cried for George Floyd.

I cried for George, his family and every black person who’s ever felt fear just because they’re black. Or even worse, died because of it.

I cried for all the mothers of black boys.

I cried for the riots and looting to stop. I fully support the Black Lives Matter movement, but it hurts to see my city torn apart. It hurts to see my friend’s State Trooper car destroyed in front of him and know that he is putting himself in the line of fire. It hurts to know that the store my husband manages is not safe and is being boarded up after they close early tonight. Thinking of him in any danger makes me sick to my stomach.

I cried because I had to explain to my children last night why there were cops guarding the mall near our home. I had to explain that a bad cop killed an innocent man just because he was black. I had to explain that “no, that doesn’t mean all cops are bad.” and “yes, I still want you to call 911 if there’s an emergency, because most cops are good and will protect us.”

I cried because Corona virus isn’t over. There are still people contracting the virus and dying. We are still at risk. Our new normal is scary to me and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I cried because there are still 3 weeks of homeschooling, before a long summer of no camps and a closed swim club. I cried because everyday of this is a struggle.

I cried because I hate wearing a mask. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it.

I cried because I’m tired of being stuck in this body. The body that has been through so much and birthed three children, feels like it is failing me…or maybe, I am failing it. I cried because the weight I’ve gained from pregnancy and quarantine is more than anyone should in a year and I feel like I’m trapped in someone else’s body. I cried because I can’t seem to stop stress eating and drinking wine because of the anxiety of all of the things I stated above.

I cried because having fibromyalgia sucks and it is so much worse when I’m stressed out. I cried because I’m tired of explaining to my kids why I have another headache, stomachache or backache. I’m tired of waking up tired and needing to push myself out of bed. I have no energy, focus or drive, but need to fake it for my kids.

I cried because of the guilt. The guilt that I put on myself to be better, which inevitably leads to me doing something self-destructive…aka that extra glass of wine I didn’t really need.

I cried.

I cried for me.

I cried for every black person that’s died for being black.

I cried for everyone that’s died alone because of corona.

I cried for the world I’m raising my kids in and how scary its become. How do we keep them safe?

I cried.